I’ve spent many hours just thinking … some would call it overthinking and I would not be able to deny it .I’ve plotted and planned my way through the toughest obstacles , enjoyed a variety of very pleasant fantasies and role-played my way through many many scenarios in preparation for one day…this is my process and its taxing but its how I roll.
Then 2014 happened and I was faced with many challenges this year and my need to process all of this has left me quite frankly exhausted .These thoughts take up so much space and I now require an pressure release valve in order for me to function optimally .I cannot guarantee that any of this will be useful to anyone else in the universe but I’m struggling with so many thoughts perhaps putting it out in the universe will give me some insights. For the last 365 days I’ve had a slow build up just like my iodine levels which has left me with a newly developed allergy to shellfish. I have so much happening inside of me and i feel like I’m going to explode/implode .I pride myself on being self contained but I’m seething with anger ,on the brink of tears and just highly irritable . I hate spilling my mess onto anyone around me because nobody can fix it and talking about it is pointless because i find no resolution in the blah blah blabbing.But I’m struggling and I’m snappy and angry and all tapped out .
I’ve been blessed because i haven’t had to experience to much of the messy things in life until now …but now life happened and shit just got real . I feel like everyday is a fight and its so difficult to breath ..because to breath is to feel this crushing pain …(now I know I haven’t given you context but I’m sure we’ll get there later). It feels like Ive existed in the eye of the storm ..and I had this protective bubble around me made up of all the prayers that my people put out in the universe and all my will ,but that shield has slowly gotten threadbare . The weight of the outside chaos has slowing begun to encroach and press upon my shield . The calm inside had begun seeping out and the fear, anxiety and worry started to insidiously working its way in and its all encompassing and i have no way out .
But despite ALL of this I feel like I’ve really still not left this year defeated .I’m still thankful for all the blessing I’ve been given and i have been trying to refocus (a little bit of a paradigm sh
ift) because I’ve learnt this bad habit of focusing the bad things and momentarily enjoying the blessing but promptly forgetting about it . I’ve been on this extraordinary journey discovering who i am for the passed four years and i have learnt many things but one lesson I learnt was how to experience more joy in my life but subsequently also experience the pain more acutely . There is no beauty in suffering it just sucks but I have most of my family around , friends i value and hope for the future. so merry christmas to all and may it be blessed and beautiful